When one has not blogged in such a long time, one is tempted to "catch up" and talk about everything that has happened in the last 3-4 months. I will resist. Instead, I will say that this week has brought some sadness, with the passing of Thomas' grandmother, Wilma Smith. We called her Ninny. She was a great woman - very caring and LOVED us. She adored the girls. We went to see her last weekend and Thomas was able to say goodbye and that was such a blessing. He also was able to see her about six weeks ago and she was in slightly better health then. The last twelve months met us with the loss of many loved family members and friends. It is hard to come to grips with the fact that we are getting older and this will become more apart of our life. I suppose that is why God gives us each other.
Enough of the sad news! I guess I will go ahead and catch you up on a FEW things. :-) Since I blogged last, I celebrated my 9th year with GST - NINE years. We also decided to enroll our kids in preschool and look forward to the girls being in a classroom style environment. Thomas is due for another liver scan and is not to have raw shellfish. In honor of that, we have probably eaten more raw oysters in the last 12 months than we have in the last 12 years. I will turn 33 this week. That is only two years younger than my Mom was when my parents moved from TX to CA!! In my brain, my parents are still that age.
We are trying to get our house on the market right now. We have done a GREAT job of accumulating junk in the last (almost) five years of homeownership. Moving out of the house that Tim helped us buy and we brought our girls home to is very bittersweet, but the benefits will be awesome. We look forward to being closer to our church family and work.
One last note. I was cleaning out one of our closets and found a large storage tub full of "memories" from highschool and college. It was everything from pictures and letters to Kojie memorabilia and youth group papers. It was like going back in time. I probably sat in that closet for an hour looking at different items. After I was done, I sealed the tub back up and put it in the stack to go to storage. Such wonderful memories contained in that plastic container. It made me think of all that my girls have to look forward to and all their lives have to offer. I wonder what is ahead for them and if I am capable of helping them make the right decisions and letting them make the wrong ones when it won't hurt them and they can learn from doing so. I hope so.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Spoon Theory
I have waited for quite some time to update my blog. After Jenny's passing and with so much going on at work and church, I needed to wait. Even though my previous blog about Jenny was very positive, obviously things for her physical body went downhill after that posting. She will be missed.
I have posted many pictures on facebook to catch up on the snow days, retreat and other various events that have taken place in the last few months, so that is where I have chosen to keep them. For now, I am using this blog as more of a personal space to express my thoughts on my health and other things happening. So few people read my blog now (and so many are on FB) that I feel this can be more of an occasional outlet for that sort of writing. On the other hand, I won't always be a Debbie Downer. :-)
Yesterday, after a few days of having a lot of pain in my hips and hands, I found an essay written by Christine Miserandino called The Spoon Theory. She has a website (or is part of a website) that is http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/. I found this after many tears shed over the fact that I am in a position in my life right now that I simply cannot do the things I want to do and have the heart to do, without risk. Not necessarily risk to my health right now (I will wear myself out and will crash), but to my marriage, family and to my employment.
My tears in the last 36 hours have come over Music Camp. I am so happy they are wanting to do Music Camp again. I went to the meeting today and am THRILLED that Brittany is taking a leadership role and I am excited to help her (and that she is willing to let me help). She and I were able to brainstorm some awesome ideas today that I think will really be incredible. Conversely, it has been devastating to come to the realization that I cannot do what I could do two years ago. I was able to be in the room by myself with 60 kids and control them, teach them, love them and learn from them and now I know I cannot. I could teach them, but I couldn't possibly do that all day with that many kids AND discipline them AND do everything else. I am limiting myself to working with the actors and doing lines, staging and blocking. I am mentoring Brittany and passing the torch on something that I love so much it hurts. I love Brittany and trust her so much. I trust her decisions and judgement and I know she is doing this out of love for the kids. I would not want to see it any other way. Ultimately, this is another thing in my life that is this way. It is not just Music Camp, it is a list of activities in which I have had to step back and set limits. I HATE LIMITS. I want to push the limits and in the last two days, when it has been painful just to walk up my stairs, I know that setting these limits is right, but it doesn't stop hurting my heart.
It has been so hard to express to Thomas my feelings on this subject. When I found this essay, I printed it and had him read it. The author is obviously much farther along in her journey, but there is one part that describes my feelings so accurately.
"It's hard, the hardest thing I ever had to learn is to slow down and not do everything. I fight this to this day. I hate feeling left out, having to choose to stay home, or to not get things done that I want to....When other people can simply do things, I have to attack it and make a plan like I am strategizing a war. It is in that lifestyle, the difference between being sick and healthy. It is the beautiful ability to not think and just do. I miss that freedom."
I think I struggle with this because I am 32. I had a benchmark of where I was and I am in a place where I have realized I cannot reach that benchmark again. I thought losing 40+ pounds would give me just a hint of more energy. No. I thought medicine might. No. Maybe alternative therapies. No. My doctors don't think I am sick enough to really treat yet and I am stuck.
I find myself asking God why He is doing this and what my purpose is constantly. At church, we have been called to be lights of the world, but I struggle to be a light to my kids, let alone the world. Sometimes, Christians get the label of already having the light, but right now, mine is one of those little LED flashlights you get at Walmart. In my heart, I want to be a stadium light, but I just don't know how to get there right now.
I have posted many pictures on facebook to catch up on the snow days, retreat and other various events that have taken place in the last few months, so that is where I have chosen to keep them. For now, I am using this blog as more of a personal space to express my thoughts on my health and other things happening. So few people read my blog now (and so many are on FB) that I feel this can be more of an occasional outlet for that sort of writing. On the other hand, I won't always be a Debbie Downer. :-)
Yesterday, after a few days of having a lot of pain in my hips and hands, I found an essay written by Christine Miserandino called The Spoon Theory. She has a website (or is part of a website) that is http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/. I found this after many tears shed over the fact that I am in a position in my life right now that I simply cannot do the things I want to do and have the heart to do, without risk. Not necessarily risk to my health right now (I will wear myself out and will crash), but to my marriage, family and to my employment.
My tears in the last 36 hours have come over Music Camp. I am so happy they are wanting to do Music Camp again. I went to the meeting today and am THRILLED that Brittany is taking a leadership role and I am excited to help her (and that she is willing to let me help). She and I were able to brainstorm some awesome ideas today that I think will really be incredible. Conversely, it has been devastating to come to the realization that I cannot do what I could do two years ago. I was able to be in the room by myself with 60 kids and control them, teach them, love them and learn from them and now I know I cannot. I could teach them, but I couldn't possibly do that all day with that many kids AND discipline them AND do everything else. I am limiting myself to working with the actors and doing lines, staging and blocking. I am mentoring Brittany and passing the torch on something that I love so much it hurts. I love Brittany and trust her so much. I trust her decisions and judgement and I know she is doing this out of love for the kids. I would not want to see it any other way. Ultimately, this is another thing in my life that is this way. It is not just Music Camp, it is a list of activities in which I have had to step back and set limits. I HATE LIMITS. I want to push the limits and in the last two days, when it has been painful just to walk up my stairs, I know that setting these limits is right, but it doesn't stop hurting my heart.
It has been so hard to express to Thomas my feelings on this subject. When I found this essay, I printed it and had him read it. The author is obviously much farther along in her journey, but there is one part that describes my feelings so accurately.
"It's hard, the hardest thing I ever had to learn is to slow down and not do everything. I fight this to this day. I hate feeling left out, having to choose to stay home, or to not get things done that I want to....When other people can simply do things, I have to attack it and make a plan like I am strategizing a war. It is in that lifestyle, the difference between being sick and healthy. It is the beautiful ability to not think and just do. I miss that freedom."
I think I struggle with this because I am 32. I had a benchmark of where I was and I am in a place where I have realized I cannot reach that benchmark again. I thought losing 40+ pounds would give me just a hint of more energy. No. I thought medicine might. No. Maybe alternative therapies. No. My doctors don't think I am sick enough to really treat yet and I am stuck.
I find myself asking God why He is doing this and what my purpose is constantly. At church, we have been called to be lights of the world, but I struggle to be a light to my kids, let alone the world. Sometimes, Christians get the label of already having the light, but right now, mine is one of those little LED flashlights you get at Walmart. In my heart, I want to be a stadium light, but I just don't know how to get there right now.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Update
One of my co-workers came into my office this week and said they "wandered onto my blog" and "update the blog already." So, on that note, I thought I would go ahead and post something lighthearted. This is in lieu of talking about Jenny. FYI - I am SO thankful she has made it through the last week. It is a real testament to the power of prayer!
Anyway - onto the lightheartedness (is that a word?).
Two cannibals were eating a clown. One looks at the other and says, "Does this taste funny to you?"
THANK YOU!! I'm here all week!
Anyway - onto the lightheartedness (is that a word?).
Two cannibals were eating a clown. One looks at the other and says, "Does this taste funny to you?"
THANK YOU!! I'm here all week!
Monday, January 11, 2010
Snow White
There is something about watching Snow White for the first time with your child. I bought Callie and Lyla Snow White and Sleeping Beauty today (before they go back into "The Vault") and we sat down to watch Snow White and Callie was so excited. It was amazing to see her face light up when Snow White came onto the screen and there she was, not just a picture of her on a book or some sort of toy. Anyway, I can't really describe it, but I can say Callie was pretty cute.
This blog entry is really about updates. I am still taking 150 pills every night. Okay, so it is down to something like 8-1/2. That is positive. The doctor confirmed today that I am crazy, so at least we all got that diagnosis correct! Just kidding. He did assure me that I DO have Lupus and I am not a hypochondriac (sp?). That made me feel a little better.
I think I have decided that if I can round up enough friends that I want to take a long weekend trip somewhere. It can be either just women or women and spouses, but then we have to deal with childcare in a lot of cases, so maybe we should just say women. Just kidding. Hmmmm...let's go somewhere fun, yet inexpensive. I will have to think on that, but we need to do it soon. March is all booked up with Spring Break for many and a lot of church events, but maybe after? Who is with me? :-)
On a very, very positive note, Thomas FINALLY had his scan done and his liver situation has remained unchanged, which is an answer to prayer. He will go in for another scan in 6-12 months. We will just assume that it is a hemangioma and is nothing. :-)
If you are a Heritage woman (or want to be one), think about going to the retreat. It is going to be A-W-E-SOME! I'm not blowin' smoke. Seriously. This is a fun time had by all (women over 18). We need some of our more mature ladies to join us this year. We need some mentoring going on! Get your grass skirts and come on out! Actually, if you show up with grass skirts, I will laugh. That has absolutely nothing to do with the theme. However, if you bring a grass skirt, I promise to bring a coconut bra. Just ask Jeana. I have one. I wore it to Mistee's house for her Hawaiian themed Bunco. Over my clothes, of course. TMI? Sorry ministers, since I know some of you tend to wander this direction sometimes. :-)
Have a good one!
This blog entry is really about updates. I am still taking 150 pills every night. Okay, so it is down to something like 8-1/2. That is positive. The doctor confirmed today that I am crazy, so at least we all got that diagnosis correct! Just kidding. He did assure me that I DO have Lupus and I am not a hypochondriac (sp?). That made me feel a little better.
I think I have decided that if I can round up enough friends that I want to take a long weekend trip somewhere. It can be either just women or women and spouses, but then we have to deal with childcare in a lot of cases, so maybe we should just say women. Just kidding. Hmmmm...let's go somewhere fun, yet inexpensive. I will have to think on that, but we need to do it soon. March is all booked up with Spring Break for many and a lot of church events, but maybe after? Who is with me? :-)
On a very, very positive note, Thomas FINALLY had his scan done and his liver situation has remained unchanged, which is an answer to prayer. He will go in for another scan in 6-12 months. We will just assume that it is a hemangioma and is nothing. :-)
If you are a Heritage woman (or want to be one), think about going to the retreat. It is going to be A-W-E-SOME! I'm not blowin' smoke. Seriously. This is a fun time had by all (women over 18). We need some of our more mature ladies to join us this year. We need some mentoring going on! Get your grass skirts and come on out! Actually, if you show up with grass skirts, I will laugh. That has absolutely nothing to do with the theme. However, if you bring a grass skirt, I promise to bring a coconut bra. Just ask Jeana. I have one. I wore it to Mistee's house for her Hawaiian themed Bunco. Over my clothes, of course. TMI? Sorry ministers, since I know some of you tend to wander this direction sometimes. :-)
Have a good one!
Thursday, December 31, 2009
2009
Goodbye, 2009. Glad to see you go.
Trying to remember the good things from 2009:
Girls were healthy
Women's Retreat
New friends
Can now make Gumbo in my sleep
B&B in Nacogdoches
Prayer for 2010:
"Into my heart. Into my heart. Come into my heart, Lord Jesus. Come in today, come in to stay. Come into my heart, Lord Jesus."
People who graced my life that I will not see again in this body, but will see again someday:
Uncle Richard Williams - Hilarious, loving, fun, Christian man. He was always a part of our lives, but in the last few years was truly a blessing to Thomas and me. He had a connection with us that could not be duplicated and we truly felt close to him and Aunt Theresa, even though they live in California. He made an impact on their small community and I miss him deeply. I had thought of him often since I attended his memorial service in California earlier in the Fall. His laugh still rings in my ears and I think on the good times fondly. Still, a lump forms in my throat when I see his smile in the projector of my mind.
Tim Head - As stated on his honor page and on my blog below, Tim was a wonderful friend, who touched many, many lives in his short time here. My heart cannot make sense of our loss of Tim. He did so much for Thomas and me and we were just like so many countless others in Tim's life. Tim and Amy have been a blessing to us and I regret not telling them more often. I doubt that Tim ever understood how grateful we were for the work he did. His sense of humor will never be forgotten and his Christian example will live on through the many works he did.
My hope for 2010:
The right Lupus medication
God will ease my troubled mind
My family will remain healthy
The family business will survive
Henry Weinhardt's Root Beer will be sold in Albertson's
Trying to remember the good things from 2009:
Girls were healthy
Women's Retreat
New friends
Can now make Gumbo in my sleep
B&B in Nacogdoches
Prayer for 2010:
"Into my heart. Into my heart. Come into my heart, Lord Jesus. Come in today, come in to stay. Come into my heart, Lord Jesus."
People who graced my life that I will not see again in this body, but will see again someday:
Uncle Richard Williams - Hilarious, loving, fun, Christian man. He was always a part of our lives, but in the last few years was truly a blessing to Thomas and me. He had a connection with us that could not be duplicated and we truly felt close to him and Aunt Theresa, even though they live in California. He made an impact on their small community and I miss him deeply. I had thought of him often since I attended his memorial service in California earlier in the Fall. His laugh still rings in my ears and I think on the good times fondly. Still, a lump forms in my throat when I see his smile in the projector of my mind.
Tim Head - As stated on his honor page and on my blog below, Tim was a wonderful friend, who touched many, many lives in his short time here. My heart cannot make sense of our loss of Tim. He did so much for Thomas and me and we were just like so many countless others in Tim's life. Tim and Amy have been a blessing to us and I regret not telling them more often. I doubt that Tim ever understood how grateful we were for the work he did. His sense of humor will never be forgotten and his Christian example will live on through the many works he did.
My hope for 2010:
The right Lupus medication
God will ease my troubled mind
My family will remain healthy
The family business will survive
Henry Weinhardt's Root Beer will be sold in Albertson's
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Honoring Tim
Oh snap. I read my postings before this and realize how selfish I am. The last 2-1/2 days, my mind has been consumed by thoughts of Amy. I have been thinking of Samantha and the whole family, but mostly Amy.
Tim was wonderful. He was thoughtful. God put him in our life right at the moment when we needed him and Tim CHANGED OUR LIFE. Tim got us into our first house. Consequently, we had our first daughter and more importantly, our marriage survived. Many people don't know how rocky our marriage was until that point. So, we happened to mention to Tim in passing that we were going to try and find some stability at some point by getting into our first house. Tim ran with it. It took almost eight months for it to happen and it did because Tim was persistent and he made it work. In the last few weeks, he was working to try and help us sell that very house to get us closer to Heritage. It isn't just the house. It is so many other things he did or said. Too many things to list. He was hilarious, thoughtful, caring and a friend to all.
So, I keep thinking of Amy. I laid in bed last night and couldn't sleep because I kept thinking of how she could possibly be dealing with all of this. She has a wonderful support network, but in the quiet of the night, when she is alone with her thoughts...I just can't imagine. Last night, I tried to mentally send her my sleep. Not sure that it worked. :-)
To say the thing I most want to say...I can't believe this has happened. I don't understand it and I don't know why it has happened, but it has. I haven't processed it yet, but I know that I will never be the same because I knew Tim. Thomas said, "Do you ever think maybe things like this happen because God wants us to see how we should be? How we should become better people and be like those who left us behind?" Well, I don't know, but I do know there is no doubt Tim is in heaven. Tim's life makes me aspire to be a better person.
Amy will never read this, but I want her to know I don't say the right thing. I am not good at words. I am good at sticking my foot in my mouth. I want to do something, anything, to help. I don't know what that is right now. Maybe that will be something in a year that comes up, maybe it will be something further down the road. I want her to know I am sharing in her sorrow and the Freeman family loves her and Samantha so much.
Tim was wonderful. He was thoughtful. God put him in our life right at the moment when we needed him and Tim CHANGED OUR LIFE. Tim got us into our first house. Consequently, we had our first daughter and more importantly, our marriage survived. Many people don't know how rocky our marriage was until that point. So, we happened to mention to Tim in passing that we were going to try and find some stability at some point by getting into our first house. Tim ran with it. It took almost eight months for it to happen and it did because Tim was persistent and he made it work. In the last few weeks, he was working to try and help us sell that very house to get us closer to Heritage. It isn't just the house. It is so many other things he did or said. Too many things to list. He was hilarious, thoughtful, caring and a friend to all.
So, I keep thinking of Amy. I laid in bed last night and couldn't sleep because I kept thinking of how she could possibly be dealing with all of this. She has a wonderful support network, but in the quiet of the night, when she is alone with her thoughts...I just can't imagine. Last night, I tried to mentally send her my sleep. Not sure that it worked. :-)
To say the thing I most want to say...I can't believe this has happened. I don't understand it and I don't know why it has happened, but it has. I haven't processed it yet, but I know that I will never be the same because I knew Tim. Thomas said, "Do you ever think maybe things like this happen because God wants us to see how we should be? How we should become better people and be like those who left us behind?" Well, I don't know, but I do know there is no doubt Tim is in heaven. Tim's life makes me aspire to be a better person.
Amy will never read this, but I want her to know I don't say the right thing. I am not good at words. I am good at sticking my foot in my mouth. I want to do something, anything, to help. I don't know what that is right now. Maybe that will be something in a year that comes up, maybe it will be something further down the road. I want her to know I am sharing in her sorrow and the Freeman family loves her and Samantha so much.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
It's official. I am your personal Debbie Downer.
Note: This is a blog in which I vent. If you don't want to hear me complain, please do not read anything before the third paragraph.
Do you ever just want to go into a room and scream, yell and cry? Then, you do just that, but you really don't feel any better. You just feel hoarse and you have a red face. It's a horrible feeling. I feel that way, only I am way too tired to even scream. I just pretty much wallow in my misery. I don't know why I am feeling this way. I know that my body hates me right now and my heart is in one place and my body holds me back. It is so very frustrating. I want to be playing with my kids, but my body says it wants to rest. I try to push myself and often I push beyond my limits and then I feel physically sick later. I want to give the same amount of hours and commitment at work, but I don't have the stamina right now. I can't focus the same because I have pushed so hard and am so worn out that I just have to take a break. I am so tired and my motivation dwindles with every passing day. The drug my doctors have put me on was supposed to help my malaise and my other symptoms and it has not, so I have to wait for my next appointment. In the meantime, my immune system had to fight off a bad cold and it has left me with nothing.
Nothing physically or spiritually. Physically and mentally, I feel like a disappointment to my co-workers and to Thomas. I was the rock at work. I was the person who could stay there until midnight, who could remember everything at the drop of a hat and the person they could depend on for anything and everything. I pushed myself to be the absolute best. Now, I am pushing myself to just be the best I can possibly be until we find something that makes life bearable. I feel like a disappointment to Thomas. He has picked up so much slack in our house and he doesn't deserve this kind of life. My mental state has forced him to even have to dispense my 12 different pills every night and he does so without complaint. He takes care of me and every day, I hit this wall in my mind when I know his life is not what he bargained for. Spiritually, I am empty. I am trying to stay involved in everything I can at church. I feel alone, but most of that is because I live 25-30 minutes from church and so many people have told me I have isolated myself. I am waiting and praying for God to fill me spiritually, but to this point, I am filled with self doubt and dispair.
The one thing in my life right now (other than Christmas) that I am truly excited about is the Women's Retreat. I am knee deep in the planning and it is going to be so much fun and just an absolutely awesome weekend. I am excited about the theme, about the ideas and about having a meeting with our planning committee. I am pumped about the location because it is truly incredible (assuming we go with this particular place). I am thrilled that our planners are willing to fundraise to help subsidize the cost so we can have it somewhere really nice, but keep it affordable. I mean, seriously, most of the rooms have jacuzzi tubs! The property owner has given us an incredible deal, if we can make it work out financially. On the theme front, my brain is exploding with everything from decor to activities. I can't wait! I am anxious about people wanting to not spend the night because the location is closer than last year and I am anxious about the money, however, I know God will work it out and give us some great ideas on how to get a great age range and income range at the retreat. It will be a really wonderful event.
So, say a prayer that the doctor gets me on the right meds and I find a way to start resting. Thomas and I are going to try and sell our house, so please pray that we can get it on the market and sold soon so we can move closer to church and work. One more - pray for my mental state. Not doing well and I am great at not telling anyone but PB. It is one day at a time and I need some prayer support to get through this. I am not great with people laying hands on me and praying. Just seeing the stats on my blog and knowing someone is reading this and MIGHT be praying is enough for me. If you do, thanks.
Do you ever just want to go into a room and scream, yell and cry? Then, you do just that, but you really don't feel any better. You just feel hoarse and you have a red face. It's a horrible feeling. I feel that way, only I am way too tired to even scream. I just pretty much wallow in my misery. I don't know why I am feeling this way. I know that my body hates me right now and my heart is in one place and my body holds me back. It is so very frustrating. I want to be playing with my kids, but my body says it wants to rest. I try to push myself and often I push beyond my limits and then I feel physically sick later. I want to give the same amount of hours and commitment at work, but I don't have the stamina right now. I can't focus the same because I have pushed so hard and am so worn out that I just have to take a break. I am so tired and my motivation dwindles with every passing day. The drug my doctors have put me on was supposed to help my malaise and my other symptoms and it has not, so I have to wait for my next appointment. In the meantime, my immune system had to fight off a bad cold and it has left me with nothing.
Nothing physically or spiritually. Physically and mentally, I feel like a disappointment to my co-workers and to Thomas. I was the rock at work. I was the person who could stay there until midnight, who could remember everything at the drop of a hat and the person they could depend on for anything and everything. I pushed myself to be the absolute best. Now, I am pushing myself to just be the best I can possibly be until we find something that makes life bearable. I feel like a disappointment to Thomas. He has picked up so much slack in our house and he doesn't deserve this kind of life. My mental state has forced him to even have to dispense my 12 different pills every night and he does so without complaint. He takes care of me and every day, I hit this wall in my mind when I know his life is not what he bargained for. Spiritually, I am empty. I am trying to stay involved in everything I can at church. I feel alone, but most of that is because I live 25-30 minutes from church and so many people have told me I have isolated myself. I am waiting and praying for God to fill me spiritually, but to this point, I am filled with self doubt and dispair.
The one thing in my life right now (other than Christmas) that I am truly excited about is the Women's Retreat. I am knee deep in the planning and it is going to be so much fun and just an absolutely awesome weekend. I am excited about the theme, about the ideas and about having a meeting with our planning committee. I am pumped about the location because it is truly incredible (assuming we go with this particular place). I am thrilled that our planners are willing to fundraise to help subsidize the cost so we can have it somewhere really nice, but keep it affordable. I mean, seriously, most of the rooms have jacuzzi tubs! The property owner has given us an incredible deal, if we can make it work out financially. On the theme front, my brain is exploding with everything from decor to activities. I can't wait! I am anxious about people wanting to not spend the night because the location is closer than last year and I am anxious about the money, however, I know God will work it out and give us some great ideas on how to get a great age range and income range at the retreat. It will be a really wonderful event.
So, say a prayer that the doctor gets me on the right meds and I find a way to start resting. Thomas and I are going to try and sell our house, so please pray that we can get it on the market and sold soon so we can move closer to church and work. One more - pray for my mental state. Not doing well and I am great at not telling anyone but PB. It is one day at a time and I need some prayer support to get through this. I am not great with people laying hands on me and praying. Just seeing the stats on my blog and knowing someone is reading this and MIGHT be praying is enough for me. If you do, thanks.
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