Friday, October 26, 2012

I don't like change. Actually, I am on the fence with change. Change can be wonderful, but I am feeling the effects of change today that kind of hurt. I am feeling the long term effects of divorce. Lost love. Lost dreams. Lost years. It is the little things you don't think about. Someone there to celebrate with or cry with. Someone to parent with and help get the kids ready. Or read them books at night. Or pray with them at the dinner table. Someone to talk to at night before you sleep. Holding hands when you walk.

Or something as simple as what I have to do now. My blog address is I can no longer have that blog address. When I created this blog, Thomas and I were having issues, but I never imagined we would be here today. People who look in from the outside don't often realize that the little things are sometimes the things that hurt the most. It doesn't seem like a big deal, but when you change the blog addresses, the drivers license, the account names, etc., it becomes final. Things become real. When you don't want things to become real, it is like your lungs have a slow leak. You can still breathe, but there is a slow deflation and you just wait...wait for the moment when you collapse.

So, I must find a new blog address. One that is appropriate for a single mom of two beautiful girls, who is trying desperately to find her way and her place. A mom who sees reminders every single day of what is now lost and who is searching for the voice of God in this screwed up life that shouldn't be this way.

So, I say goodbye to this blog. Here is my new blog address:

See you there.

Monday, January 9, 2012

Fresh Start

It's January and I am ready for a new start. I think it is such a cliche to want a new start in January and I have never been one for resolutions. This last calendar year has been the hardest year of my entire life. It has brought me to my knees spiritually, emotionally, physically and has challenged every ounce of my being. At several times, I think there were times I thought (and probably several people in my life thought) I wasn't going to make it. So far, I have made it. Life as I knew it has been shattered and I am faced with a new reality. I have been judged harshly by those I thought were called to be servants, however, I realize now that some situations will make me stronger in the end and that those who have judged cannot and will never know my situation. It is not their business to know and obviously the draw of the gossip of knowing our situation was more overpowering than wanting to help us get through the pain.

At any rate, I need something more. Right now, I live in my sister's old house, for which I am SO very thankful. I work in the same job and am surrounded by the same environment, but I feel like I need to strike out on a new path. I feel like God has been calling me to do this for some time, but I have not really been listening. I have just been so lost. At times, I felt like He wasn't there at all, but maybe He was just saying, "I already told you!" Someone told me yesterday, "Change is so hard." What a simple statement, but so very true. SO VERY TRUE. To change my current environment would mean to change a job that essentially I love and at which I make good money. It would mean to try and work out an arrangement with Thomas if I want to move away. I am not willing to go anywhere without the girls, so that means trying to convince Thomas to go, too. Change means biting the bullet and doing it.

So what am I afraid of? Why keep talking about it? Now is the perfect time to do it! Callie and Lyla are not in regular school yet, I am young, moderately healthy and I am capable of learning to do ANYTHING in any office environment. I still fear the unknown. I lack the faith and trust to jump out there and just let God carry us into the future. To be honest, in my brain and my heart, I think I feel like I really, really tried that two years ago and up until now, it has always been my opinion that He didn't carry me. That He dropped me and the proverbial "footprints in the sand" were not there. There was just a long line where I have been literally dragging myself. So, this weekend, maybe I decided He was there in some way, I just haven't seen it yet. I have had people SHOUTING at me over the last nine months that God cannot exist in a divorce and that Thomas and I just need to get back together and that is what God wants and that they know what God wants and I need to listen to them. I'm here to tell you that it is awfully hard to hear God when everyone else is shouting in your ear that they know what is best. Maybe God knew what was best. Maybe God has been talking to me and working in me and maybe He is there now. Maybe I was hurting SO bad for so many years, He just wanted His daughter to stop hurting and to be healed. I am sitting on a plane right now and at this moment the song Temporary Home is playing. How appropriate. This earth IS my temporary home, but while I am here, I need to listen to Him and work for God. I just feel like I belong somewhere else and I can do good somewhere else. I have a place, I just know it. Maybe JUST MAYBE I need to take the plunge, but I am so scared. He has a place for me somewhere, right?

Have you ever felt that way?

Sunday, August 28, 2011


Time for a long overdue update...

The months since my last update in November have been long and very eventful. My personal life has been reduced to shambles, but at some point, I will emerge from the rubble a new person. Hopefully. I am learning to live in a different environment where the people I thought I could depend on, I couldn't, and those I least expected to be my support are those I find in my corner. I find that when people have perceptions of situations, it is very difficult to sway them from their beliefs.

My health has been up and down. I get frustrated with fatigue. The incredible heat here has been irritating because it seems to have an effect on me. When I was in Chicago for a week a few weeks ago, I felt pretty good. I don't know if that was because of all the time we spent outside or because we walked more or just because my general mood was better. Either way, when the cooler weather comes, I can't wait to spend more time with the girls outside! I have some plans for places to go while they are both still in preschool and the demands of regular school are not on us. :-)

We are trying to sell the house in Burleson, but reached a standstill when the realtor would not list it at the price we wanted. I would like to see what happens at the price we desire. I figure we can always drop the price, but if we price it too low, we have zero negotiating power. I love this house and I hate to let it go. It is a must. I wish work was closer. I would stay here in a heartbeat.

One last note! The NOCC walk to here again and we have another TEAM MEGANN! Sign up!

That's all for now. :-)

Saturday, November 6, 2010


The NOCC walk was a huge success. It was raining cats and dogs, but we had a great turnout and I know Megann would have been so proud. Her parents were there and I was happy to see them. We had the brunch at church immediately following. It was a success as well. Leesa did a wonderful job coordinating and Jenny's Mom was the speaker. It was an emotional day, but a blessing.

In other areas, I feel like life is handing me lemons right now. Things are a struggle. Physical health is okay. I have a preliminary new diagnosis of Sjorgens Syndrome, which is moderately irritating. The girls are doing well, but other things in our home are not, so for all who happen upon this blog, we do need some really fervent prayers on our behalf. I don't know where we are headed, but I can only hope it is in the direction God has for us.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010


We are going to have Team Megann at the NOCC Walk to Break the Silence on Ovarian Cancer on September 25. Come walk/run with us! There is a one mile and a 5K. Go to the link below to register or I can register for you. When you register, select Team Megann from the list. All ages are welcome! We will order Team Megann T-shirts, so I will contact all those on our team and will get your shirt size. Let's get a lot of people out there! Tell your friends! We want to honor our wonderful friend, Megann! We miss her so much and don't want to lose anymore friends to this terrible disease.


After the walk, there is a Ladies Brunch at Heritage. This is going to be a wonderful event and I encourage all of our women to go. You will have time to do the one mile and then go over to the brunch. There should be time to freshen up and change clothes between the events.

Leave a comment if you have any questions!

Sunday, July 25, 2010

When one has not blogged in such a long time, one is tempted to "catch up" and talk about everything that has happened in the last 3-4 months. I will resist. Instead, I will say that this week has brought some sadness, with the passing of Thomas' grandmother, Wilma Smith. We called her Ninny. She was a great woman - very caring and LOVED us. She adored the girls. We went to see her last weekend and Thomas was able to say goodbye and that was such a blessing. He also was able to see her about six weeks ago and she was in slightly better health then. The last twelve months met us with the loss of many loved family members and friends. It is hard to come to grips with the fact that we are getting older and this will become more apart of our life. I suppose that is why God gives us each other.

Enough of the sad news! I guess I will go ahead and catch you up on a FEW things. :-) Since I blogged last, I celebrated my 9th year with GST - NINE years. We also decided to enroll our kids in preschool and look forward to the girls being in a classroom style environment. Thomas is due for another liver scan and is not to have raw shellfish. In honor of that, we have probably eaten more raw oysters in the last 12 months than we have in the last 12 years. I will turn 33 this week. That is only two years younger than my Mom was when my parents moved from TX to CA!! In my brain, my parents are still that age.

We are trying to get our house on the market right now. We have done a GREAT job of accumulating junk in the last (almost) five years of homeownership. Moving out of the house that Tim helped us buy and we brought our girls home to is very bittersweet, but the benefits will be awesome. We look forward to being closer to our church family and work.

One last note. I was cleaning out one of our closets and found a large storage tub full of "memories" from highschool and college. It was everything from pictures and letters to Kojie memorabilia and youth group papers. It was like going back in time. I probably sat in that closet for an hour looking at different items. After I was done, I sealed the tub back up and put it in the stack to go to storage. Such wonderful memories contained in that plastic container. It made me think of all that my girls have to look forward to and all their lives have to offer. I wonder what is ahead for them and if I am capable of helping them make the right decisions and letting them make the wrong ones when it won't hurt them and they can learn from doing so. I hope so.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Spoon Theory

I have waited for quite some time to update my blog. After Jenny's passing and with so much going on at work and church, I needed to wait. Even though my previous blog about Jenny was very positive, obviously things for her physical body went downhill after that posting. She will be missed.

I have posted many pictures on facebook to catch up on the snow days, retreat and other various events that have taken place in the last few months, so that is where I have chosen to keep them. For now, I am using this blog as more of a personal space to express my thoughts on my health and other things happening. So few people read my blog now (and so many are on FB) that I feel this can be more of an occasional outlet for that sort of writing. On the other hand, I won't always be a Debbie Downer. :-)

Yesterday, after a few days of having a lot of pain in my hips and hands, I found an essay written by Christine Miserandino called The Spoon Theory. She has a website (or is part of a website) that is I found this after many tears shed over the fact that I am in a position in my life right now that I simply cannot do the things I want to do and have the heart to do, without risk. Not necessarily risk to my health right now (I will wear myself out and will crash), but to my marriage, family and to my employment.

My tears in the last 36 hours have come over Music Camp. I am so happy they are wanting to do Music Camp again. I went to the meeting today and am THRILLED that Brittany is taking a leadership role and I am excited to help her (and that she is willing to let me help). She and I were able to brainstorm some awesome ideas today that I think will really be incredible. Conversely, it has been devastating to come to the realization that I cannot do what I could do two years ago. I was able to be in the room by myself with 60 kids and control them, teach them, love them and learn from them and now I know I cannot. I could teach them, but I couldn't possibly do that all day with that many kids AND discipline them AND do everything else. I am limiting myself to working with the actors and doing lines, staging and blocking. I am mentoring Brittany and passing the torch on something that I love so much it hurts. I love Brittany and trust her so much. I trust her decisions and judgement and I know she is doing this out of love for the kids. I would not want to see it any other way. Ultimately, this is another thing in my life that is this way. It is not just Music Camp, it is a list of activities in which I have had to step back and set limits. I HATE LIMITS. I want to push the limits and in the last two days, when it has been painful just to walk up my stairs, I know that setting these limits is right, but it doesn't stop hurting my heart.

It has been so hard to express to Thomas my feelings on this subject. When I found this essay, I printed it and had him read it. The author is obviously much farther along in her journey, but there is one part that describes my feelings so accurately.

"It's hard, the hardest thing I ever had to learn is to slow down and not do everything. I fight this to this day. I hate feeling left out, having to choose to stay home, or to not get things done that I want to....When other people can simply do things, I have to attack it and make a plan like I am strategizing a war. It is in that lifestyle, the difference between being sick and healthy. It is the beautiful ability to not think and just do. I miss that freedom."

I think I struggle with this because I am 32. I had a benchmark of where I was and I am in a place where I have realized I cannot reach that benchmark again. I thought losing 40+ pounds would give me just a hint of more energy. No. I thought medicine might. No. Maybe alternative therapies. No. My doctors don't think I am sick enough to really treat yet and I am stuck.

I find myself asking God why He is doing this and what my purpose is constantly. At church, we have been called to be lights of the world, but I struggle to be a light to my kids, let alone the world. Sometimes, Christians get the label of already having the light, but right now, mine is one of those little LED flashlights you get at Walmart. In my heart, I want to be a stadium light, but I just don't know how to get there right now.