It's official. I am your personal Debbie Downer.

Note: This is a blog in which I vent. If you don't want to hear me complain, please do not read anything before the third paragraph.

Do you ever just want to go into a room and scream, yell and cry? Then, you do just that, but you really don't feel any better. You just feel hoarse and you have a red face. It's a horrible feeling. I feel that way, only I am way too tired to even scream. I just pretty much wallow in my misery. I don't know why I am feeling this way. I know that my body hates me right now and my heart is in one place and my body holds me back. It is so very frustrating. I want to be playing with my kids, but my body says it wants to rest. I try to push myself and often I push beyond my limits and then I feel physically sick later. I want to give the same amount of hours and commitment at work, but I don't have the stamina right now. I can't focus the same because I have pushed so hard and am so worn out that I just have to take a break. I am so tired and my motivation dwindles with every passing day. The drug my doctors have put me on was supposed to help my malaise and my other symptoms and it has not, so I have to wait for my next appointment. In the meantime, my immune system had to fight off a bad cold and it has left me with nothing.

Nothing physically or spiritually. Physically and mentally, I feel like a disappointment to my co-workers and to Thomas. I was the rock at work. I was the person who could stay there until midnight, who could remember everything at the drop of a hat and the person they could depend on for anything and everything. I pushed myself to be the absolute best. Now, I am pushing myself to just be the best I can possibly be until we find something that makes life bearable. I feel like a disappointment to Thomas. He has picked up so much slack in our house and he doesn't deserve this kind of life. My mental state has forced him to even have to dispense my 12 different pills every night and he does so without complaint. He takes care of me and every day, I hit this wall in my mind when I know his life is not what he bargained for. Spiritually, I am empty. I am trying to stay involved in everything I can at church. I feel alone, but most of that is because I live 25-30 minutes from church and so many people have told me I have isolated myself. I am waiting and praying for God to fill me spiritually, but to this point, I am filled with self doubt and dispair.

The one thing in my life right now (other than Christmas) that I am truly excited about is the Women's Retreat. I am knee deep in the planning and it is going to be so much fun and just an absolutely awesome weekend. I am excited about the theme, about the ideas and about having a meeting with our planning committee. I am pumped about the location because it is truly incredible (assuming we go with this particular place). I am thrilled that our planners are willing to fundraise to help subsidize the cost so we can have it somewhere really nice, but keep it affordable. I mean, seriously, most of the rooms have jacuzzi tubs! The property owner has given us an incredible deal, if we can make it work out financially. On the theme front, my brain is exploding with everything from decor to activities. I can't wait! I am anxious about people wanting to not spend the night because the location is closer than last year and I am anxious about the money, however, I know God will work it out and give us some great ideas on how to get a great age range and income range at the retreat. It will be a really wonderful event.

So, say a prayer that the doctor gets me on the right meds and I find a way to start resting. Thomas and I are going to try and sell our house, so please pray that we can get it on the market and sold soon so we can move closer to church and work. One more - pray for my mental state. Not doing well and I am great at not telling anyone but PB. It is one day at a time and I need some prayer support to get through this. I am not great with people laying hands on me and praying. Just seeing the stats on my blog and knowing someone is reading this and MIGHT be praying is enough for me. If you do, thanks.