Goodbye, 2009. Glad to see you go.
Trying to remember the good things from 2009:
Girls were healthy
Women's Retreat
New friends
Can now make Gumbo in my sleep
B&B in Nacogdoches
Prayer for 2010:
"Into my heart. Into my heart. Come into my heart, Lord Jesus. Come in today, come in to stay. Come into my heart, Lord Jesus."
People who graced my life that I will not see again in this body, but will see again someday:
Uncle Richard Williams - Hilarious, loving, fun, Christian man. He was always a part of our lives, but in the last few years was truly a blessing to Thomas and me. He had a connection with us that could not be duplicated and we truly felt close to him and Aunt Theresa, even though they live in California. He made an impact on their small community and I miss him deeply. I had thought of him often since I attended his memorial service in California earlier in the Fall. His laugh still rings in my ears and I think on the good times fondly. Still, a lump forms in my throat when I see his smile in the projector of my mind.
Tim Head - As stated on his honor page and on my blog below, Tim was a wonderful friend, who touched many, many lives in his short time here. My heart cannot make sense of our loss of Tim. He did so much for Thomas and me and we were just like so many countless others in Tim's life. Tim and Amy have been a blessing to us and I regret not telling them more often. I doubt that Tim ever understood how grateful we were for the work he did. His sense of humor will never be forgotten and his Christian example will live on through the many works he did.
My hope for 2010:
The right Lupus medication
God will ease my troubled mind
My family will remain healthy
The family business will survive
Henry Weinhardt's Root Beer will be sold in Albertson's
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Honoring Tim
Oh snap. I read my postings before this and realize how selfish I am. The last 2-1/2 days, my mind has been consumed by thoughts of Amy. I have been thinking of Samantha and the whole family, but mostly Amy.
Tim was wonderful. He was thoughtful. God put him in our life right at the moment when we needed him and Tim CHANGED OUR LIFE. Tim got us into our first house. Consequently, we had our first daughter and more importantly, our marriage survived. Many people don't know how rocky our marriage was until that point. So, we happened to mention to Tim in passing that we were going to try and find some stability at some point by getting into our first house. Tim ran with it. It took almost eight months for it to happen and it did because Tim was persistent and he made it work. In the last few weeks, he was working to try and help us sell that very house to get us closer to Heritage. It isn't just the house. It is so many other things he did or said. Too many things to list. He was hilarious, thoughtful, caring and a friend to all.
So, I keep thinking of Amy. I laid in bed last night and couldn't sleep because I kept thinking of how she could possibly be dealing with all of this. She has a wonderful support network, but in the quiet of the night, when she is alone with her thoughts...I just can't imagine. Last night, I tried to mentally send her my sleep. Not sure that it worked. :-)
To say the thing I most want to say...I can't believe this has happened. I don't understand it and I don't know why it has happened, but it has. I haven't processed it yet, but I know that I will never be the same because I knew Tim. Thomas said, "Do you ever think maybe things like this happen because God wants us to see how we should be? How we should become better people and be like those who left us behind?" Well, I don't know, but I do know there is no doubt Tim is in heaven. Tim's life makes me aspire to be a better person.
Amy will never read this, but I want her to know I don't say the right thing. I am not good at words. I am good at sticking my foot in my mouth. I want to do something, anything, to help. I don't know what that is right now. Maybe that will be something in a year that comes up, maybe it will be something further down the road. I want her to know I am sharing in her sorrow and the Freeman family loves her and Samantha so much.
Tim was wonderful. He was thoughtful. God put him in our life right at the moment when we needed him and Tim CHANGED OUR LIFE. Tim got us into our first house. Consequently, we had our first daughter and more importantly, our marriage survived. Many people don't know how rocky our marriage was until that point. So, we happened to mention to Tim in passing that we were going to try and find some stability at some point by getting into our first house. Tim ran with it. It took almost eight months for it to happen and it did because Tim was persistent and he made it work. In the last few weeks, he was working to try and help us sell that very house to get us closer to Heritage. It isn't just the house. It is so many other things he did or said. Too many things to list. He was hilarious, thoughtful, caring and a friend to all.
So, I keep thinking of Amy. I laid in bed last night and couldn't sleep because I kept thinking of how she could possibly be dealing with all of this. She has a wonderful support network, but in the quiet of the night, when she is alone with her thoughts...I just can't imagine. Last night, I tried to mentally send her my sleep. Not sure that it worked. :-)
To say the thing I most want to say...I can't believe this has happened. I don't understand it and I don't know why it has happened, but it has. I haven't processed it yet, but I know that I will never be the same because I knew Tim. Thomas said, "Do you ever think maybe things like this happen because God wants us to see how we should be? How we should become better people and be like those who left us behind?" Well, I don't know, but I do know there is no doubt Tim is in heaven. Tim's life makes me aspire to be a better person.
Amy will never read this, but I want her to know I don't say the right thing. I am not good at words. I am good at sticking my foot in my mouth. I want to do something, anything, to help. I don't know what that is right now. Maybe that will be something in a year that comes up, maybe it will be something further down the road. I want her to know I am sharing in her sorrow and the Freeman family loves her and Samantha so much.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
It's official. I am your personal Debbie Downer.
Note: This is a blog in which I vent. If you don't want to hear me complain, please do not read anything before the third paragraph.
Do you ever just want to go into a room and scream, yell and cry? Then, you do just that, but you really don't feel any better. You just feel hoarse and you have a red face. It's a horrible feeling. I feel that way, only I am way too tired to even scream. I just pretty much wallow in my misery. I don't know why I am feeling this way. I know that my body hates me right now and my heart is in one place and my body holds me back. It is so very frustrating. I want to be playing with my kids, but my body says it wants to rest. I try to push myself and often I push beyond my limits and then I feel physically sick later. I want to give the same amount of hours and commitment at work, but I don't have the stamina right now. I can't focus the same because I have pushed so hard and am so worn out that I just have to take a break. I am so tired and my motivation dwindles with every passing day. The drug my doctors have put me on was supposed to help my malaise and my other symptoms and it has not, so I have to wait for my next appointment. In the meantime, my immune system had to fight off a bad cold and it has left me with nothing.
Nothing physically or spiritually. Physically and mentally, I feel like a disappointment to my co-workers and to Thomas. I was the rock at work. I was the person who could stay there until midnight, who could remember everything at the drop of a hat and the person they could depend on for anything and everything. I pushed myself to be the absolute best. Now, I am pushing myself to just be the best I can possibly be until we find something that makes life bearable. I feel like a disappointment to Thomas. He has picked up so much slack in our house and he doesn't deserve this kind of life. My mental state has forced him to even have to dispense my 12 different pills every night and he does so without complaint. He takes care of me and every day, I hit this wall in my mind when I know his life is not what he bargained for. Spiritually, I am empty. I am trying to stay involved in everything I can at church. I feel alone, but most of that is because I live 25-30 minutes from church and so many people have told me I have isolated myself. I am waiting and praying for God to fill me spiritually, but to this point, I am filled with self doubt and dispair.
The one thing in my life right now (other than Christmas) that I am truly excited about is the Women's Retreat. I am knee deep in the planning and it is going to be so much fun and just an absolutely awesome weekend. I am excited about the theme, about the ideas and about having a meeting with our planning committee. I am pumped about the location because it is truly incredible (assuming we go with this particular place). I am thrilled that our planners are willing to fundraise to help subsidize the cost so we can have it somewhere really nice, but keep it affordable. I mean, seriously, most of the rooms have jacuzzi tubs! The property owner has given us an incredible deal, if we can make it work out financially. On the theme front, my brain is exploding with everything from decor to activities. I can't wait! I am anxious about people wanting to not spend the night because the location is closer than last year and I am anxious about the money, however, I know God will work it out and give us some great ideas on how to get a great age range and income range at the retreat. It will be a really wonderful event.
So, say a prayer that the doctor gets me on the right meds and I find a way to start resting. Thomas and I are going to try and sell our house, so please pray that we can get it on the market and sold soon so we can move closer to church and work. One more - pray for my mental state. Not doing well and I am great at not telling anyone but PB. It is one day at a time and I need some prayer support to get through this. I am not great with people laying hands on me and praying. Just seeing the stats on my blog and knowing someone is reading this and MIGHT be praying is enough for me. If you do, thanks.
Do you ever just want to go into a room and scream, yell and cry? Then, you do just that, but you really don't feel any better. You just feel hoarse and you have a red face. It's a horrible feeling. I feel that way, only I am way too tired to even scream. I just pretty much wallow in my misery. I don't know why I am feeling this way. I know that my body hates me right now and my heart is in one place and my body holds me back. It is so very frustrating. I want to be playing with my kids, but my body says it wants to rest. I try to push myself and often I push beyond my limits and then I feel physically sick later. I want to give the same amount of hours and commitment at work, but I don't have the stamina right now. I can't focus the same because I have pushed so hard and am so worn out that I just have to take a break. I am so tired and my motivation dwindles with every passing day. The drug my doctors have put me on was supposed to help my malaise and my other symptoms and it has not, so I have to wait for my next appointment. In the meantime, my immune system had to fight off a bad cold and it has left me with nothing.
Nothing physically or spiritually. Physically and mentally, I feel like a disappointment to my co-workers and to Thomas. I was the rock at work. I was the person who could stay there until midnight, who could remember everything at the drop of a hat and the person they could depend on for anything and everything. I pushed myself to be the absolute best. Now, I am pushing myself to just be the best I can possibly be until we find something that makes life bearable. I feel like a disappointment to Thomas. He has picked up so much slack in our house and he doesn't deserve this kind of life. My mental state has forced him to even have to dispense my 12 different pills every night and he does so without complaint. He takes care of me and every day, I hit this wall in my mind when I know his life is not what he bargained for. Spiritually, I am empty. I am trying to stay involved in everything I can at church. I feel alone, but most of that is because I live 25-30 minutes from church and so many people have told me I have isolated myself. I am waiting and praying for God to fill me spiritually, but to this point, I am filled with self doubt and dispair.
The one thing in my life right now (other than Christmas) that I am truly excited about is the Women's Retreat. I am knee deep in the planning and it is going to be so much fun and just an absolutely awesome weekend. I am excited about the theme, about the ideas and about having a meeting with our planning committee. I am pumped about the location because it is truly incredible (assuming we go with this particular place). I am thrilled that our planners are willing to fundraise to help subsidize the cost so we can have it somewhere really nice, but keep it affordable. I mean, seriously, most of the rooms have jacuzzi tubs! The property owner has given us an incredible deal, if we can make it work out financially. On the theme front, my brain is exploding with everything from decor to activities. I can't wait! I am anxious about people wanting to not spend the night because the location is closer than last year and I am anxious about the money, however, I know God will work it out and give us some great ideas on how to get a great age range and income range at the retreat. It will be a really wonderful event.
So, say a prayer that the doctor gets me on the right meds and I find a way to start resting. Thomas and I are going to try and sell our house, so please pray that we can get it on the market and sold soon so we can move closer to church and work. One more - pray for my mental state. Not doing well and I am great at not telling anyone but PB. It is one day at a time and I need some prayer support to get through this. I am not great with people laying hands on me and praying. Just seeing the stats on my blog and knowing someone is reading this and MIGHT be praying is enough for me. If you do, thanks.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
It's been four weeks on the new meds and they aren't working. I know it is supposed to take up to 12 weeks, but I am just so tired. Physically, I am still having the same symptoms and emotionally, well, not doing great. Spiritually, I can't even describe the bottomless pit I feel myself in right now. In the back of my mind, I am getting scared that the normal medication for Lupus is not going to work on me. I don't want to be a medical black sheep. I want to be textbook. I want this medicine to work and I want to feel better. This has been the hardest year of my life and the punches keep getting thrown. I believe that God's assessment of "how much I can handle" is a little off. Not to take away from His knowledge, but honestly.
At any rate, I just needed to write this down, rather than just cry about it at home. I guess this is another late night vent session. :-)
At any rate, I just needed to write this down, rather than just cry about it at home. I guess this is another late night vent session. :-)
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
New Journey
Several of you already know this and many of you have asked. I am posting here and not on Facebook because only my friends read this and many of my "friends" on FB are really just acquaintances and I am just not ready for a big deal about this yet.
I have been diagnosed with Lupus and Chronic Epstein Barr Virus. The theory is that at some point in my life, I had mono or something in that virus family and the infection stayed active in my cells. I have never been diagnosed with mono, but it makes sense because I am so affectionate. Haha. That infection has caused the Lupus (in theory), which is obviously, at this point, incurable. Many, many people walk around with inactive Epstein Barr in their bodies, but for some reason, it just stayed active with me. This explains my hair loss, extreme fatigue, joint pain and other symptoms. I was diagnosed several weeks ago and have been to two different specialists and had the tests run and exams done multiple times. I am confident that the diagnosis is correct, but my immediate family is still in denial. I don't think any of us wants it to be true.
So, I wasn't ever going to write this blog entry, but I read a story on yahoo today about Lucy Vodder, the inspiration for the Beatles' "Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds." She died today at 46 from Lupus. She battled the disease for five years. FIVE YEARS. That's it. She was only 46 years old! After I read the article, I read the responses from the people below the story and saw many stories of those who had lost a loved one from this disease and honestly, I got scared. I have been scared this whole time. I don't think I am going to have a severe case of this disease and I don't believe that I am going to die in five years, but I also don't know what God has in store for me. When I hugged my babies tonight before they went to sleep, a little voice went off my head, "If you leave them in five years, will Lyla even remember you? Even if she does, will she remember this you or a disabled you that has Lupus?"
So, I keep having these conversations with God in my car when I am alone. I guess they are more like one sided shouting matches. I think that is okay - we are supposed to be conversational with Him, right? My faith has been shaken a lot this year, now more than ever. I have a hard time dragging myself out of bed and I am not afraid to say that my kids are what gets me to church. I am always glad to have gone, but my motivation level is lacking a bit. I keep thinking of those who have really had a struggle - those we walked for on Saturday, those who are going through daily struggles to just keep on living. I see myself as selfish for being angry about my diagnosis and I see myself as being weak.
Nevertheless, I am completely scared. I am anxious about what the future holds for my family and for my kids. I love them. I could live until I am 80 or I could live five years. I guess that is true no matter what, but there is something different when you know there is something inside you that could cause your death that is otherwise not in most other people.
I guess I am done venting. I don't need anything. I guess just some prayers - more for mental strength and spiritual strength than physical strength right now. I don't care who knows about the diagnosis, but I don't want people giving me pity eyes or avoiding me. I am still me, just me with Lupus. FYI - the Epstein Barr is not contagious and you can't get Lupus from me either. I guess I am beginning a new phase of my life. Not really what I had planned.
I have been diagnosed with Lupus and Chronic Epstein Barr Virus. The theory is that at some point in my life, I had mono or something in that virus family and the infection stayed active in my cells. I have never been diagnosed with mono, but it makes sense because I am so affectionate. Haha. That infection has caused the Lupus (in theory), which is obviously, at this point, incurable. Many, many people walk around with inactive Epstein Barr in their bodies, but for some reason, it just stayed active with me. This explains my hair loss, extreme fatigue, joint pain and other symptoms. I was diagnosed several weeks ago and have been to two different specialists and had the tests run and exams done multiple times. I am confident that the diagnosis is correct, but my immediate family is still in denial. I don't think any of us wants it to be true.
So, I wasn't ever going to write this blog entry, but I read a story on yahoo today about Lucy Vodder, the inspiration for the Beatles' "Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds." She died today at 46 from Lupus. She battled the disease for five years. FIVE YEARS. That's it. She was only 46 years old! After I read the article, I read the responses from the people below the story and saw many stories of those who had lost a loved one from this disease and honestly, I got scared. I have been scared this whole time. I don't think I am going to have a severe case of this disease and I don't believe that I am going to die in five years, but I also don't know what God has in store for me. When I hugged my babies tonight before they went to sleep, a little voice went off my head, "If you leave them in five years, will Lyla even remember you? Even if she does, will she remember this you or a disabled you that has Lupus?"
So, I keep having these conversations with God in my car when I am alone. I guess they are more like one sided shouting matches. I think that is okay - we are supposed to be conversational with Him, right? My faith has been shaken a lot this year, now more than ever. I have a hard time dragging myself out of bed and I am not afraid to say that my kids are what gets me to church. I am always glad to have gone, but my motivation level is lacking a bit. I keep thinking of those who have really had a struggle - those we walked for on Saturday, those who are going through daily struggles to just keep on living. I see myself as selfish for being angry about my diagnosis and I see myself as being weak.
Nevertheless, I am completely scared. I am anxious about what the future holds for my family and for my kids. I love them. I could live until I am 80 or I could live five years. I guess that is true no matter what, but there is something different when you know there is something inside you that could cause your death that is otherwise not in most other people.
I guess I am done venting. I don't need anything. I guess just some prayers - more for mental strength and spiritual strength than physical strength right now. I don't care who knows about the diagnosis, but I don't want people giving me pity eyes or avoiding me. I am still me, just me with Lupus. FYI - the Epstein Barr is not contagious and you can't get Lupus from me either. I guess I am beginning a new phase of my life. Not really what I had planned.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes.
That title is misleading. I would like for there to be some ch-ch-ch-ch-changes, but no luck. Yet.
Eight years ago today I took a job working at GST for my parents. I promised them and Thomas that it would be short term and we would only stay for a maximum of two years. HA! I started out in the shop - I remember my Dad telling me I had to work my way up and start by getting my hands dirty. Apparently, this was only a requirement for his youngest child. My first 6 months in particular were spent wrapping pallets, driving forklifts, coming home sweaty and gross on some days and being immersed into a culture that was a far cry from the ultra political scene of the Campus Life office at ACU. Not that I didn't like ACU, but most of you know that working there really tainted my overall view of the university. That is another story for another day.
Anyway, so I started in the Shipping Department and then I worked my way into Purchasing, then Customer Service, then Accounts Payable, then Office Manager and now I am Corporate Controller. In the last eight years, my sister has come on officially full-time (after working on a part-time, but really more than that basis for many years), my brother came on and slid right into a VP role and we have expanded to three facilities. Thomas came on five years ago. In other words, what was once really just Dad, Mom and me (and Tonya on the fringe, but knowing a lot of the people and knowing what is going on) is now all of us. It is an interesting dynamic.
All of that to say - eight years is a long time. I really want to go on a nice, relaxing vacation.
Eight years ago today I took a job working at GST for my parents. I promised them and Thomas that it would be short term and we would only stay for a maximum of two years. HA! I started out in the shop - I remember my Dad telling me I had to work my way up and start by getting my hands dirty. Apparently, this was only a requirement for his youngest child. My first 6 months in particular were spent wrapping pallets, driving forklifts, coming home sweaty and gross on some days and being immersed into a culture that was a far cry from the ultra political scene of the Campus Life office at ACU. Not that I didn't like ACU, but most of you know that working there really tainted my overall view of the university. That is another story for another day.
Anyway, so I started in the Shipping Department and then I worked my way into Purchasing, then Customer Service, then Accounts Payable, then Office Manager and now I am Corporate Controller. In the last eight years, my sister has come on officially full-time (after working on a part-time, but really more than that basis for many years), my brother came on and slid right into a VP role and we have expanded to three facilities. Thomas came on five years ago. In other words, what was once really just Dad, Mom and me (and Tonya on the fringe, but knowing a lot of the people and knowing what is going on) is now all of us. It is an interesting dynamic.
All of that to say - eight years is a long time. I really want to go on a nice, relaxing vacation.
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