I don't like change. Actually, I am on the fence with change. Change can be wonderful, but I am feeling the effects of change today that kind of hurt. I am feeling the long term effects of divorce. Lost love. Lost dreams. Lost years. It is the little things you don't think about. Someone there to celebrate with or cry with. Someone to parent with and help get the kids ready. Or read them books at night. Or pray with them at the dinner table. Someone to talk to at night before you sleep. Holding hands when you walk.

Or something as simple as what I have to do now. My blog address is tamiandthomas.blogspot.com. I can no longer have that blog address. When I created this blog, Thomas and I were having issues, but I never imagined we would be here today. People who look in from the outside don't often realize that the little things are sometimes the things that hurt the most. It doesn't seem like a big deal, but when you change the blog addresses, the drivers license, the account names, etc., it becomes final. Things become real. When you don't want things to become real, it is like your lungs have a slow leak. You can still breathe, but there is a slow deflation and you just wait...wait for the moment when you collapse.

So, I must find a new blog address. One that is appropriate for a single mom of two beautiful girls, who is trying desperately to find her way and her place. A mom who sees reminders every single day of what is now lost and who is searching for the voice of God in this screwed up life that shouldn't be this way.

So, I say goodbye to this blog. Here is my new blog address:

http://www.imaginationofasinglemom.blogspot.com

See you there.

Fresh Start

It's January and I am ready for a new start. I think it is such a cliche to want a new start in January and I have never been one for resolutions. This last calendar year has been the hardest year of my entire life. It has brought me to my knees spiritually, emotionally, physically and has challenged every ounce of my being. At several times, I think there were times I thought (and probably several people in my life thought) I wasn't going to make it. So far, I have made it. Life as I knew it has been shattered and I am faced with a new reality. I have been judged harshly by those I thought were called to be servants, however, I realize now that some situations will make me stronger in the end and that those who have judged cannot and will never know my situation. It is not their business to know and obviously the draw of the gossip of knowing our situation was more overpowering than wanting to help us get through the pain.

At any rate, I need something more. Right now, I live in my sister's old house, for which I am SO very thankful. I work in the same job and am surrounded by the same environment, but I feel like I need to strike out on a new path. I feel like God has been calling me to do this for some time, but I have not really been listening. I have just been so lost. At times, I felt like He wasn't there at all, but maybe He was just saying, "I already told you!" Someone told me yesterday, "Change is so hard." What a simple statement, but so very true. SO VERY TRUE. To change my current environment would mean to change a job that essentially I love and at which I make good money. It would mean to try and work out an arrangement with Thomas if I want to move away. I am not willing to go anywhere without the girls, so that means trying to convince Thomas to go, too. Change means biting the bullet and doing it.

So what am I afraid of? Why keep talking about it? Now is the perfect time to do it! Callie and Lyla are not in regular school yet, I am young, moderately healthy and I am capable of learning to do ANYTHING in any office environment. I still fear the unknown. I lack the faith and trust to jump out there and just let God carry us into the future. To be honest, in my brain and my heart, I think I feel like I really, really tried that two years ago and up until now, it has always been my opinion that He didn't carry me. That He dropped me and the proverbial "footprints in the sand" were not there. There was just a long line where I have been literally dragging myself. So, this weekend, maybe I decided He was there in some way, I just haven't seen it yet. I have had people SHOUTING at me over the last nine months that God cannot exist in a divorce and that Thomas and I just need to get back together and that is what God wants and that they know what God wants and I need to listen to them. I'm here to tell you that it is awfully hard to hear God when everyone else is shouting in your ear that they know what is best. Maybe God knew what was best. Maybe God has been talking to me and working in me and maybe He is there now. Maybe I was hurting SO bad for so many years, He just wanted His daughter to stop hurting and to be healed. I am sitting on a plane right now and at this moment the song Temporary Home is playing. How appropriate. This earth IS my temporary home, but while I am here, I need to listen to Him and work for God. I just feel like I belong somewhere else and I can do good somewhere else. I have a place, I just know it. Maybe JUST MAYBE I need to take the plunge, but I am so scared. He has a place for me somewhere, right?

Have you ever felt that way?